Why I hate technology is simple. It beats me hands down every time. I am minding my own business peeling potatoes and the 6 year old said "mummy I need you to record this on tv for me". I of course reply "err, Mummy doesnt know how to do that honey". 2 seconds later I get told that if I dont know how to record the programme then can I please pause it for her? Pause? a TV programme? Apparently this has been possible for years and it is equally apparent that its on the long list of technological things that Mummy doest know how to do. I would like to defend myself here and state that the reasons for my inability to do these things is because I want to live a simple life, with simple pleasures, and pausing television is not up there with my list of priorities in the search for inner contentment. However, thats simply not true... if I had known how to pause the TV I am doubtless I would be doing it on a regular basis. I don't know how because I rely too much on "the husband" for this sort of thing. (Along with rather a few other 'sorts of things') Gosh... that does'nt read very well does it! So it was time for me get a new phone and I was duly advised by the men in my life that what I needed was not an I phone but a HTC Android application HD Desire . I mean, really... what is an android? I got very excited at the prospect of thinking that my new phone may actually be a robot that could perform all the functions I fail at, such as Tv pausing.... but alas it appears to just be some sort of death trap technological device that is too big to hold, too big to understand and stares at me all day making me feel rather inferior to its single touch world wide web access and all singing all dancing applications. Now my daughter wants to play "angry birds" on it all the time and I just feel like a bit of an angry bird that doesnt seem to know how to make it actually function as a phone. It has a touch pad qwerty keypad. Now I am a little bit excited about the fact that I know what a qwerty keypad is, and seeing as it is one word that I am possibly able to spell without making a spelling mistake as all the letters are together I quite enjoy writing qwerty and may refer to qwerty a bit more than actually neccersary. Anyway this qwerty keypad is clearly designed for someone whose fingers are the size of matchsticks and also designed for someone who has NO fingernails. I am completely unable to send a text without getting the letters utterly wrong and instantly wanted to change my phone. The Husband sais to me, don't worry, it will over time,get used to the letters that your pressing and start to realise which ones you mean to be pressing and adjust itself accordingly. What fabulous news I think to myself... my phone is actually cleverer than me, but not only does it do this, but it auto corrects to the words that it thinks you mean and the ones that you use the most... simply amazing I hear you all gasp.... So I survive the first few weeks of the phone only making simple errors such as "Hi Missisippi" instead of "Hi Lizzi" and a couple of others such as Hey no problem suddenly becoming "herbicide" but generally people are undertanding that the phone is still learning who I am so no great drama. Anyway to cut to the chase the phone is going back to whichever 17 year old nerd invented it. I do not love phone, phone does not love me. Phone wants to put me out of business and offend as many people as possible and blame it on my inadequate technological abilitys. The final straw was yesterday... I actually text a client that I would send her over her pregnancy sh*t .I sent it without looking at it and clearly the word was meant to be "shot". I wrote shot, the phone thought "here is an opportunity far too good to miss" and changed it to sh*t. And then had the audacity to remind me that the reason it changed the text is because it is in my list of top 20 "most used words". I am a 33 year old woman with a lovely family , a great job and a reasonable IQ but have been beaten, hands down by a 8 inch rectangle. Smashing. For Christmas I am asking Santa for a landline.... |
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